i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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