My cat gives me a boner
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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