I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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