Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
