Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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