i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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