stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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