I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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