I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
