I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
