why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
we should paint friendship bongs
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