My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
