PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
