So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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