You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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