Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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