This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
