Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
