I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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