Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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