My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
