I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
