Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
