Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
