if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
