Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
