he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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