Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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