Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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