Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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