im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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