I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
