I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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