i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
