But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
