I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just invented taco cereal.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
