Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
