I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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