im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
how does that bad decision feel?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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