I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Randomize
