you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
