we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
