Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
