p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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