Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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