I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
