I will die if light touches me.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
