I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
