I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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