Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
