Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
