I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
