Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
