I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
